Stepping Back into Him

It’s the beginning of a new year and with that comes reflection on the past year. I don’t know about you but when I’m looking back, I’m hoping to see growth and change in a positive direction. I want to see the milestones and how far I’ve come.

This past year for me has been a season of stagnancy. Looking back I don’t see any growth or change. No forward or positive motion. I know that I was trying to push forward and keep going but as I was pushing I stepped away from God. I got so caught up with my emotions that I allowed the distraction of having the world in my face. I let God slip from my focus.

I was talking to my mom today about all of the happenings in our family and around our farm and it dawned on me. Everything went sideways this year for our family when we stopped putting God first. We stopped going to church together. We didn’t pray at our board meetings, or at all. I stopped reading my Bible every day and pursuing a closer relationship with God. In short, we put down our sword (Ephesians 6:14-17). He stopped being the center of our world, and our world started to crumble. We kept trying to push forward but without Him we are moving in the wrong direction.

In 2022 our family, as a whole and individually, experienced some extremely heavy situations. I think we got lost in that. Lost in the treading water and just trying to keep from drowning. I can’t speak for the rest of my family but personally I’m dealing with a lot of grief, fear and anger. Grief of the loss of my unborn son 8 years ago is still a daily battle for me. I’m angry that my husband had to fight cancer last year for the third time and we may be gearing up for a fourth fight. I’m trying to get a grip on all of the emotions that come with having my father also have a cancer diagnosis. I have so much fear that comes with the realization that I may not have my life partner, the father of my children, here with me any more sooner than I could have ever imagined. I got lost in those emotions and I let them dictate my decisions. It’s easy to say no to going to church on Sunday when my husband has the day off work and I’m so afraid that I don’t have many of those left with him. It’s so easy to say no to reading my Bible when I’m exhausted from not sleeping because I’m afraid my husband won’t wake up in the morning. It’s easy to not pray because I’m angry that my son never got to live one single day on this earth.

The story of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32) is one that most people have heard. The son takes his inheritance early, runs off and blows it, and then has nothing. He wants to go home but he’s afraid of what he will find when he gets there. The part that I didn’t really get until now is, while the son was gone spending all of his money, the father was there waiting. And not just waiting, but actively watching for his son to return. While I may have stepped away from God, He NEVER stepped away from me. He is there always, watching and waiting for me to step back to Him.

Going into 2023, looking back on 2022, I’m saddened that I hampered my own journey. I stepped away from God and toward the world. That step toward the world looks different for everyone. For me it’s spending time on social media instead of having quiet time. Staying in bed on Sunday morning instead of going to church. Not setting a good example for my kids with the things I watch and read. Those choices were so easy in the moment with my emotions ruling over me. Then the more world you let in the easier it is to let more world in and the harder it is to hear God.

Entering this new season, for me and prayerfully for my family too, is going to be about stepping back away from the world and from letting my emotions control me. When you are feeling stuck or stagnant, or like you are just barely treading water, take a step back. When you realize that you have allowed so much world into your life that you can’t even see God, take a step back. When you thought you were following Gods plan but it’s all messed up and falling apart, take a step back. It’s ok to take a step back as long as you are stepping back into Him.

“Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm. Stand firm therefore, having girded your loins with truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.”‭‭
Ephesians‬ ‭6‬:‭13‬-‭17‬ ‭NASB

“And He said, “A man had two sons. The younger of them said to his father, ‘Father, give me the share of the estate that falls to me.’ So he divided his wealth between them. And not many days later, the younger son gathered everything together and went on a journey into a distant country, and there he squandered his estate with loose living. Now when he had spent everything, a severe famine occurred in that country, and he began to be impoverished. So he went and hired himself out to one of the citizens of that country, and he sent him into his fields to feed swine. And he would have gladly filled his stomach with the pods that the swine were eating, and no one was giving anything to him. But when he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired men have more than enough bread, but I am dying here with hunger! I will get up and go to my father, and will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven, and in your sight; I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me as one of your hired men.” ’ So he got up and came to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him and felt compassion for him, and ran and embraced him and kissed him. And the son said to him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight; I am no longer worthy to be called your son.’ But the father said to his slaves, ‘Quickly bring out the best robe and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand and sandals on his feet; and bring the fattened calf, kill it, and let us eat and celebrate; for this son of mine was dead and has come to life again; he was lost and has been found.’ And they began to celebrate. “Now his older son was in the field, and when he came and approached the house, he heard music and dancing. And he summoned one of the servants and began inquiring what these things could be. And he said to him, ‘Your brother has come, and your father has killed the fattened calf because he has received him back safe and sound.’ But he became angry and was not willing to go in; and his father came out and began pleading with him. But he answered and said to his father, ‘Look! For so many years I have been serving you and I have never neglected a command of yours; and yet you have never given me a young goat, so that I might celebrate with my friends; but when this son of yours came, who has devoured your wealth with prostitutes, you killed the fattened calf for him.’ And he said to him, ‘Son, you have always been with me, and all that is mine is yours. But we had to celebrate and rejoice, for this brother of yours was dead and has begun to live, and was lost and has been found.’ ””‭‭
Luke‬ ‭15‬:‭11‬-‭32‬ ‭NASB